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Here are 25 of my favorite one-liners from comedian Steven Wright: 

1)  I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2)  Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3)  Half the people you know are below average.

4)  82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5)  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

6)  All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

7)  The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

8)  OK, so what's the speed of dark?

9)  How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

10)  If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

11)  Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

12)  When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

13)  Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

14)  I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.

15)  If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

16)  Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

17)  What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

18)  My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

19)  Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

20)  If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

21)  A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

22)  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

23)  The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

24)  The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

25)  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.



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